Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Breaking News


We interrupt this post to bring you a special bulletin, direct from the offices of the Weekly World News:

WALKING SQUIRREL DISRUPTS SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM



LOS ANGELES, CA – In a stunning discovery, scientists have landed upon a beguiling squirrel with the power to make drastic leaps into the future once injured, amazingly speeding his recovery and resulting in virtually no experiential healing time!

“Don’t let his cute-but-inquisitive look fool you,” states Dr. Ken Kesey, from the Further Institute for Advancement. “This squirrel has an incredible grasp on how to manipulate time and matter in ways which have the Large Hadron Collider scientists seething with jealousy. But these leaps in time and space appear to have saved the little guy’s life.”

In late 2006, Bawdy the Squirrel (pictured above) took a life-threatening plunge from atop a precarious perch. The fall broke his back, legs, tail, and even one arm, although his favorite nut fortunately remained intact. During the painstaking hours of surgery required to reconstruct his body, and months of recovery, there was no sign of life from the Squirrel.

No sign, that is, until August 2007, when he briefly reappeared in what appears to be a dubbed Japanese movie about Tofu. After such an exertion he collapsed, and was once more unresponsive to attempts to revive him by trained EMTs.

“We thought we had lost the little guy until just this morning. Then he appeared before us, good as new, ready to take our pictures and get back to pounding the pavement,” his nurse Joey Skaggs said, trying to contain his emotion. “I’m - I'm just glad he’s back.”

In fact, Bawdy the Squirrel’s ability to heal himself through the manipulation of time has inspired remarkable scientific breakthroughs in the field of quantum time. The first practical results of these breakthroughs were seen today in the new Gmail Custom Time™ feature of Google’s popular Gmail service, and the algorithms used in place of traditional chronology in the new Google Weblogs.

Bawdy’s skills even managed to manipulate the fabric of time enough to replace his old, bulky camera with a brand-new refurbished Kodak EasyShare V1003, which will allow for even more strange and exciting pictures from the streets and bus stops of Los Angeles.

2 comments:

edith said...

I'm a little incredulous, seeing as it's April 1st. I'll believe it when we see more Bawdy posts in the coming days. But I have to admit that my inner tail is wagging at the prospect of vicariously experiencing our fair city through the eyes of a squirrel -- or rather, THE squirrel.

Bawdy the Squirrel said...

This is why I waited until the fool's day does not technically apply. Yes, THE squirrel is back, and aiming to stay that way.